104 Ways to Get Killed by Lucius Malfoy
by kakashisninjadogs
Summary: A list on how to AnnoyHarassDisgust or Generally Scare Lucius Malfoy. This list includes evil unicorns and Led Zeppelin loolalikes. Rated T to be safe.
1. The List

_A/N – Hi! Long time no write, yeah? Well, here's something I was working on and brings people into the Harry Potter fandom because I'm gonna be doing a Hermione/Fred one, 'kay? Please R and R!_

**104 Ways to Annoy/Harass/Disgust/Generally Scare Lucius Malfoy**

**By an impertinent house elf**

1. Sit next to him

2. Scoot closer to him

3. Tell him blonde jokes

4. Make him watch "The Music Man"

5. Make him write a paper on his predictions of what will happen in the relationship of Professor Harold Hill and Marion Paroo

6. When he's sleeping, braid his hair into a hippie style

7. Drug him and get him a fro/ a bob / a crew cut / a Mohawk or (my personal favorite) a perm

8. Replace his Snakey Cane with a walker

9. Compare the Malfoy Manor with a Barbie Dream Home

10. Compare him to Ken

11. Compare him to Barbie.

12. Poke him

13. Poke him some more…with his own cane

14. Ask him what kind of statement he's making with the black

15. Ask him if he's a goth

16. Ask him if he's an emo

17. Take him to a LOTR convention and tell people he's Legolas

18. Ask him what he does with his cane

19. Cower in fear at what he does with his cane

20. Tell him to watch "HAIR"

21. Ask him why he keeps getting eluded by teenagers

22. Tell him to get a catch phrase

23. Pack him a lunch for his DE meetings and tell him to share his Twinkie with Rudolphus

24. When he looks disgusted threaten him with hair dye

25.** PINK** hair dye

26. Sing "Good Morning Starshine" at the top of your lungs during his "important" dinner parties

27. Replace his hair gel with Hair-B-Gone

28. Wear your "MUGGLE" t-shirt and prance around with him during his rounds

29. When washing his clothing, **accidentally** spill bleach on his robes

30. When he wears his new white clothes, tell him it's after Labor Day and he should now the rules of fashion

31. Steal his socks

32. When he asks about his socks tell him it was the laundry fairy

33. Put his underwear in the freezer

34.Insist that he has a secret admirer when he finds your melted chocolate hearts in his seat cushions

35. Try to read him "Rapunzel" and try to spot things that connect to his life

36. Point these factors out to him

37. Nickname him "Lucy"

38. When you go somewhere and return to the Barbie Dream Ho—I mean—Malfoy Manor yell "LUCY, I'M HOOOOME!"

39. Get him a pet guppy (yes a guppy, with a "G")

40. Tell him it's for a **lesson in responsibility**

41. Replace all of his expensive alcoholic beverages with Diet Coke

42. Make a secret base under the Malfoy Manor for all the Death Eater meetings and call it the "Snakey Cave" (base it on the Bat Cave)

43. Call Lucy a suck up

44. Ask him why he doesn't have a **real** snake

45. Tell himyellow is the new black

46. Give him gold stars when he's good

47. When he's good for an entire week give him a gold badge saying "I'M REACHING FOR THE STARS!"

48. Insist his "Malfoy Research Booklet" is a diary

49. Read his **diary** and make punctuation, spelling and grammatical corrections

50. Add notes to the sides with your comments

51. Make them sound corny

52. Give him a theme song

53. When he comes into a room, play the theme song

54. Refer to him as a "Girly Man" in an Arnold Schwarzenegger accent

55. Put gum in his hair

56. When he looks sad, play the violin mournfully

57. When he looks happy, do the Mexican Hat Dance around him

58. At Christmas time, decorate his house with bald, skinny, snake-like Santa's and when he asks, tell him to have a "Very Voldy Christmas!"

59. Glue a galleon to the floor and watch him struggle to get it off

60. Tell him if he grew out his hair and got a perm he could be Robert Plant

61. Embroider lace and sequins on to his Death Eater robes

62. Show him your "Happy Puppets" and tell him it'll help his anxieties

63. Replace all of his bondage equipment with your McDonald's Happy Meal toys collection

64. Write him poetry

65.** Bad** poetry

66. Announce, loudly and in public, that you saw him in the "Peter Pan" movie

67. Bake him Get-Happy-Brownies when his plans are foiled

68. Make him eat your "Chocolate Surprise"

69. After he eats it, scoot closer to him and tell him chocolate is an aphrodisiac

70. Get him a kitten and tell him petting animals relieves the soul of tension and the build up of nerves

71. Tape "Kick Me" on the back of his Death Eater robes

72. Pierce his ears and tell him to "Get his bling on"

73. Ask him if **he** remembers the 60s

74. Misspell his name as "Luscious" and insist it was an accident

75. Label all drawer, cabinets, shelves and rooms with Post-Its

76. Cover his room in Gryffindor colors

77. As an excuse, insist that he is an autumn, not a winter

78. Play "Platinum Blonde Life" when he's feeling exceptionally super model-ish

79. Tell him his diet isn't working

80. Tell him he has split ends

81. Tell him he'd look wonderful in Gucci

82. "Boxers or Briefs"

83. Tell him, for every bad word that he says, he owes you a knut

84. Turn his closet into a Voldemort shrine

85. Make him balloon animals and load them all into his room

86.Make him Jell-O

87. When he refuses to eat it, look hurt and tell him "But everybody has room for Jell-O!"

88. Get him a stress ball

89. Name it Sherman

90. Enroll him in pilates

91. Get him a subscription to "Cosmo Girl"

92. Get him a heart-shaped locket with an "L" on it

93. Give away his Snakey Cane to "evil unicorns with gummy bears and a mind for Boggle"

94. Make him a member of SPEW

95. Ask him what his astrological sign is then read him his compatibility charts everyday

96. Go "Professor Trelawney" on his ass

97. Fix his hair into flower barrettes while he's stunned and spray paint all the mirrors black.

98. Shower him with Lysol after he comes back from a DE meeting

99. After he laughs maniacally, offer him a Tic-Tac

100. Pluck his eyebrows all off and dye his hair brown

101. Tell him he's the Mona Lisa

102. Exchange his cane for an umbrella (tell him it's more practical)

103. When he's hung over sing (very loudly) "Oklahoma"

104. If you're not dead yet…be alive


	2. 1 and 2

A/N: Ooooooookay, then! Well I've decided that I'll be doing a mini story for my whole list…it's just so easy to do…

ALSO: The impertinent house-elf named, "Zenny" can't be killed or taken away unless authorized by the Ministry. She was given to Lucius after he asked for a house-elf from the Ministry when he, somehow, managed to get house-arrest for the rest of his life. Narcissa is gone most of the day because she's usually shopping or doing business. Zenny reports on everything he does and is like a House-Elf Pride/more-enthusiastic-about-freedom-than-Dobby type of House Elf. She was given to Lucius because those Ministry rascals thought it would be funny and send Lucius into his own living Hell.

Fun.

_**#1 & 2**_

Lucius sat himself in the study and locked the door with about 12 various locking charms. He made sure to barricade himself into any room when his new house-elf "Zenny" wasn't in tow. He, however, didn't know, being the dumb-blonde/narcissistic-snobby-idiot-man that his house-elf had access to all the rooms no matter how many wards he put up. In fact, you think he would've gotten the picture when Zenny stormed in with her Polaroid camera while he was playing with the many pink, fluffy bubbles in his gargantuan bathing pool and took tons of shots of him raging about in nothing but pink bubbles covering all of his…um…"areas."

"OOOOH, MASTER! LOVING, CARING, ADORABLE MASTER! WHERE DID YOU GOOOO?"

"'Adorable,'" he giggled delightedly. He loved when somebody complimented him, or, rather, he loved when he _thought_ somebody was complimenting him.

Lucius hummed, "I'm Too Sexy" in the study as he lit his cigar. He got a bit more into it and started singing (quite badly) and put a silencing charm on the room. He looked around to make sure there was nobody hiding and launched into a full assault of leaping and…tirade-ing around the room in a series of dance moves that would make the Bee Gees proud.

"There you are my sugar dumpling!"

Zenny burst into the room and made to hug her "loving, caring, adorable master," only to find him singing quite loudly and…operatically… a very…_vulgar_ song. It made her want to vomit.

"How the hell did you get in?" Lucius said as he immediately stopped all movement and singing. He could never understand how the hell she could get past all his wards and see through his disillusionment spells and even hear things through all of his silencing charms. His cigar fell out of his mouth and on to the rug. Which caught fire to the rug. Which caught fire to his robes. Which he didn't, exactly, notice. At all.

"Sir, you're on fire," Zenny said without making any movement to do anything about it she merely said it with as much indifference as possible.

"Oh! I am aren't I! I did have voice lessons and dances less-"

"No, I mean, you're literally _on fire_ as in, _combustion_…_flames_…_burny_," Zenny said; she, unfortunately wasn't allowed to let any harm come to her victim—I mean—_master_.

"Oh…OH!" Lucius immediately put out the flames on his robes. He huffed and sat down on his Gigantic Sofa of Evil-Doing.

Zenny joined him.

Lucius looked over at his unruly, evil house-elf. Lucius looked at the carpet. Lucius' brain couldn't work it out.

"Why are you sitting next to me?"

"'Cause I feel like it foo'," Zenny said in her tough-gangzta accent that she'd managed to learn from Dumbledore. Her bottom lip was stuck out and her eyes were narrowed and she bobbed her head and waved her hand with everything she said. He was pretty damn good with accents and slang. That sly devil.

Lucius was completely disoriented.

"You got a problem with that bee-yotch?"

Lucius shook his head. He really didn't know what to do. What was a "bee-yotch"?

She scooted closer to him.

"What are you doing now?" Lucius had heard about the ghetto and was extremely terrified that she would shoot him or take his wallet…or call him a "bee-yotch" again. He wasn't sure, exactly, what that was but he didn't like to be called names. It hurt is tender little heart

"Why do you care? Huh?" Zenny was getting kicks out of this. She was also getting paid by Dumbledore to do this, but she still got kicks.

"No reason," Lucius said quickly.

"Good."

Zenny got up and left.

Lucius thanked God.

* * *

"Did you do it?"

Zenny met with Dumbledore outside the house. She was sure that after her little gangzta lesson Lucius would sit in the study quietly and go over his new adventure for the day. And that he was thanking God because she'd left.

"Fuh-shizzle my nizzle."


	3. 3

**_#3 _**

Lucius sat in his study and contemplated his run-in with a ghetto house-elf. _He was absolutely scared. _Never again would he take his house-elf lightly, not if his house-elf was in the mob or in a gang. Dear God, he'd have to keep on her nice side forever now. He couldn't have her _homies _hanging around the house. They could create a stench or something of that nature. A stench looks bad on a death eater's résumé. Seriously. This was house-elf he couldn't mess with. Even though he would anyway because everything he just thought as immediately obliterated by the fact that he should make her pay. Oh yes, he was _so_ a Slytherin.

"ZENNY! Get in here right now!" He bellowed. He'd have his ass served to him on a silver platter (and what a nice ass that would be) but he didn't care. He was too arrogant to care. He was a Slytherin. The imaginary Slytherin banner and imaginary Slytherin anthem boomed from behind him. Lucius Malfoy was like the Slytherin President. Lucius Malfoy absolutely screamed Slytherin. He was so proud of his idiocy—whoops, I meant—_Slytherin cunning._

Zenny zoomed into the study and plunked herself down in front of him. Her hand was raised in salute. "Sir, yes, sir! Reporting for duty, sir!"

"Wow, that's an improvement. I'd like you to call me sir from now on," he'd had no idea she was mocking him. He needed to get out more.

"Yes sir!" Zenny was loving the mocking. This idiot needed to get out more. Seeing the movies that Dumbledore brought her was paying off. She might have to get a Blockbuster Rewards card. She pondered where the nearest movie rental place was; she was seriously considering renting a musical and making Senior Fancy Pants watch the damned thing. The use of duct tape came to mind. Bondage. Fun.

"Humor me!" Lucius, being the arrogant bastard that he was, was role-playing himself as a king talking to his measly little servant.

"Okie-dokie, Senior Fancy Pants!"

"What?"

"Nothing sir!"

"Okay, then…BEGIN!"

"Ooookay! There was a blonde, a brunette and a red-head on a deserted island that was one mile from land," Zenny began. Blonde jokes for the psychologically impaired/blonde at heart (nothing against blondes, only the super idiot, preppy ones) were bound to stump Ken's model who sat at his desk grinning like a 3 year old with a gas mask. Idiot.

"The brunette makes it ¼ of the way to land and drowns."

Lucius giggled. He loved violence.

"The red-head makes it 1/3 of the way there and drowns."

Lucius knew where this was going—the blonde would get to land and laugh maniacally because of her comrades' deaths—this blonde was good in his book. Lucius wondered if he could meet this blonde and recruit her as a death eater. Arrogant so of a motherless goat.

"The blonde makes it ½ the way there, gets tired and goes back to the island."

Lucius laughed his head off, he'd had know idea what that meant (Slytherin cunning didn't come with brains) but laughed anyway assuming that the proper thing would be to laugh. He was quite trained in the art of making like you know what someone is talking about, but really don't. He was used to things going over his head, though he didn't think himself stupid, just smart for knowing what to do when you didn't know what to do. That sounded super smart so he just went with it.

Zenny got up and left. She was somewhat disgusted by the idiot's…idiocy (which, I suppose, comes with being an idiot). However she kept the smirk off her face for enough time to get out of the room when he finally realized what she just said. He never would.

"Ha…they all died except for the blonde…oh, that's good…wait a second…1/2 +1/2 is," Lucius counted on his fingers but couldn't do it so took out a piece of his snakey stationary and did the math, "…one, and from the deserted island to land was one mile, so…she could've survived…meaning…"

"How's that funny?"

No, realization never dawned on Lucius.

…in fact, nothing ever would dawn on Lucius.

There was nothing, really, to dawn on…


	4. 4 and 5

A/N: I'm fully aware that Lucius is OC but he sort of has to be…also, I've seen "The Music Man" exactly 21 times in school and in school we have to write this packet for the musicals we see and write in the answers, you know? I've written the answers to the packet 21 times and, frankly, that damned Harold Hill is annoying

Disclaimer: I most certainly don't own this stuff…except Zenny

**_#4 and 5_**

Soon after those incidents, in a town very close to Malfoy Manor, a gangly old man with a big beard would walk into the local Blockbuster and rent the best musical ever made into a movie. He was dressed in a tartan overcoat and flannel boxer shorts covered in little smiley faces. It's pretty damn easy to guess who it was.

* * *

"Here," Dumbledore handed Zenny a box and a small card. She gave him a questioning glance. "For your...schemes…and for 'future plans'."

"Oh, okay, gotcha," she looked at the title on the box.

"Nice choice."

* * *

Lucius sat at his breakfast table. He enjoyed the silences one had when there was no wife or evil, gangzta house-elves.

Lucius had had a completely peaceful slumber unlike the last few nights where his house-elf would barge in and babble about sleeping eels and monkeys who took her money. 'I mean how idiotic is that?' Lucius thought to himself, 'Eels, so, don't sleep.'

Blondie sat at his table and ate his eggs in silence. He brought up the fork to his mouth and was about to chomp until a door slammed and a trumpet blasted from behind the kitchen doors. The eggs slid off of Lucius' fork and onto his brand knew blazer.

"No, she just keeps coming back," he whispered to himself in agony as his beloved house-elf stepped into the kitchen and hopped onto the table.

"Hello sir! Are the eggs good today? They must be, for they have now graced your features! Is that Armani sir?"

"Damn it all," Lucius muttered under his breath and wiped away the runny eggs from his lapel. In other words, yes, it was Armani.

"Sir, I have a project today!" Zenny announced from her perch on the vase that stood in the middle of the breakfast table at the Malfoy Mansion. It was quite a beautiful vase. Until it broke that is.

"Whoops! Oh well, it was old anyway!" Zenny trumpeted her horn and leaped off the table and stood next to the horrified Lucius, hands behind back, and swaying on her toes.

"W-what was your p-project?" Lucius said through gritted teeth and tears. That vase had once held his dead cat, Freckles.

Lucius had figured out that the Ministry was watching what he did to his new house-elf. Well, maybe not _figured out_, but one of his death eater buddies had told him. He'd have to be somewhat tolerable now.

"Well sir, can we watch a movie today?" Zenny asked innocently. She'd gotten a TV and a VCR from Dear Old Dumbles and had set it up in Lucius' study. She planned to tell him she got from her "home dawgs."

"No, I won't watch that primitive muggle filth!" Lucius said, outraged. This from the man who had know idea that were such things as light bulbs, only knew that candles and torches were the latest in lighting a house.

"Well, it's a cultural lesson then! Learn how primitive muggles were and still are and you can ridicule them the whole time! You can work on your insults!" Zenny said enthusiastically. She was like a sleazy car salesman. And she loved it.

"Hmmm…that would be fun…" Lucius mumbled. He did love making fun of the lesser beings.

"Fine, as long as you tell me what a _movie_ is. I already know, _of course_, but I'd like to test your knowledge on the subject," Lucius said like the all-knowing wizard that he most certainly wasn't. He didn't want to admit defeat to his own house-elf so he decided to play the 'I'm just testing you…' card. He'd had no idea what this muggle contraption was and, amazingly enough, actually wanted to know. Mostly so he could ridicule them, but still.

Zenny mumbled something about 'Idiot-bleachey-headed nightmares' then went into a long speech about how there were little people in a box and when you turned the TV on they would come to life and act in a play or musical.

"Now take me to the movie," Lucius demanded. He was utterly amazed at how muggles could now shrink people to fit into a tiny box and then duplicate them to go inside lots of these little boxes called "televisions." He'd have to make fun of their height then. Lucius giggled to himself. He was delighted that he was taller than those stupid, tiny box-muggles. He was probably richer too. I mean, how much money could you make from being inside a box?

Zenny led her master to the study and told him about film. Film was, apparently, a _script_ and muggles read these scripts and performed whatever they said to do.

'Muggles will be so easy to dominate' Lucius thought smugly.

Zenny put the video in and sat on the floor by her master's feet. He sat in his Armchair of Doom and steepled his fingers. 'This _movie_' he sneered, 'may lead to the domination of the muggle world…I better take notes! For the Dark Lord!' Lucius lunged for a pad of his snakey stationary, but tripped over his house-elf instead who thrust into his hands a large packet of papers.

"What is this?" Lucius sneered.

"Fill them out. Or suffer the consequences," Zenny said in the most serious voice she had.

"Why?" Lucius was so utterly stupid, arrogant and proud that he dared to ask this. His mind was telling him not to go any further or he might have to suffer _the consequences_, but his mouth kept on moving. He would be his house-elf's bee-yotch no more. Even though he still didn't know what a _bee-yotch_ was…

"'Cause my dawgs, the ones that hooked me up with this here stolen booty, want to make sure you're paying attention and if you aren't," Zenny made the cut-throat sign.

"They'll make me wear a turtle-neck?" Lucius said, unaware of what the cut throat sign was. He knew had something to do with _the consequences _but he couldn't fathom what could be worse than a terrible fashion faux paw. His brain had taken over and was now making him shake and cower.

"That and…_more_!" Zenny said. She had said "more" very loudly and Lucius squeaked.

Zenny pushed in the tape and watched in amazement as the squeamish little Lucy cheered up immediately and happily filled out his packet. They were watching "The Music Man" for God's sakes—a movie that could get _extremely_ annoying. Instead Lucy seemed to like it. This was uncalled for, but way too much fun to worry about. Instead of groaning in agony at thought of hearing another lisp out of Winthrop he was cheering when little Winthrop sang "Well's Fargo Wagon."

Dear God in Heaven, what was the world coming to?

Lucius loved musicals.

Who knew?


	5. 6 and 7

**Disclaimer: Never will own the Harry Potter series; could never own the Harry Potter series**

_**#6 & 7**_

So far, all you could hear in the Malfoy Mansion over the course of a day was "The Music Man." Not that that wasn't enough. No, of course not. Lucius wouldn't admit he liked the damned musical. Even worse still was that he made up different words to his 'new and improved' songs. Yes, "The Well's Fargo Wagon" had turned into "The Hell's Embargo's Saggin'." Lucius was not aware that this didn't make any sense and probably wouldn't notice. Lucius' wardrobe also changed from the ever-debonair suits to the ever…-eccentric marching band uniforms. These were complete with large conducting hat with over-excessive plumage, a jacket with silver braiding and fake metals, a Snakey Baton instead of Lucius' ever-present cane. And yes, if you wanted to know, there was a stripe down the leg. Not only that, but there was more, he had a _cape, _not just any cape, but one that had—and I kid you not—special embroidery that said, in a spidery scrip, on the back: "Prof. Malfoy's Elfish Marching Band."

Zenny's plan had backfired.

_Really _backfired.

She now had to put up with a singing and dancing Lucius all day. And boy was that…_fun. _There was a new plan now. One that would have Lucius Malfoy screaming—not singing, good God, no—_screaming_.

"I think it's time to go to bed master!" Zenny screamed as her master waltzed around the room singing "Shapoopie" which had turned into…never mind.

"I'll know when I want to go to bed and it's not now!" Lucius said through his singing.

"Please, for the sake of God and all that are holy, give Lucius Malfoy a concussion," Zenny prayed. She couldn't take much more or she was going to crack. Crack like an angry squirrel (oooh…this could be a future reference…). An angry squirrel with vodka and opposable thumbs.

"Okay, time for bed," Lucius yawned.

'Huh-zah!' Zenny thought triumphantly. The benadryl in his night cap (a night cap that only added to more singing) worked.

Lucius headed up the stairs and took off all his role-playing clothes and got ready for bed. That musical had done him good. He was much more cheerful lately and loved to get up now. Plus the evil house-elf was completely quiet. He'd have to rent out some more movies…Voldemort might want to see them. Maybe he should get a band uniform made for him too…he'd have to bring it up at the next meeting.

Lucius immediately fell asleep after he hit the pillow.

Zenny slowly crept in and looked through the book of evil she was holding. She flicked through as she sat on the floor and studied her prey. She gasped as she found the perfect one. He'd hate it. Zenny waved her hands over Lucius sleeping form. He was so peaceful when he slept. Too bad.

* * *

Lucius woke up and started to hum "Marion" which he'd changed to "Bury Him" and stretched. He'd had such a nice sleep. So peaceful, so quiet.

Lucy took his shower and noticed nothing different. Same old, gorgeous him. Oh, how the women woo over him today. Not that he could go out of the house. They _would_ woo over him_ if_ he was not captive in his own house.

Lucius slid down the banister in his marching suit and traipsed on into the dining hall.

The vase holding Freckles had been quickly replaced with his dead Aunt Winifred.

He liked Freckles better.

Zenny came into the hall balancing the usual trays of food on her head and arms at the correct time in the correct manner.

Lucius didn't notice how unusually happy she was this morning. Too bad.

"Hello sir! How was your shower? Looking commanding and evil again today as usual—sir…did you do something with your hair?" Zenny greeted as usual, but stopped at the sight of his hair.

"No…" Lucius said as he looked at her curiously. He picked up his spoon and examined his hair, but the image was upside down so he turned the spoon over again and he was upside down again. Lucius threw the spoon across the room and shouted "DAMNED SPOON!" He was getting quite frantic now.

"Here sir!" Zenny handed him a mirror she carried with her for today only and tried to suppress her smug, little grin.

Lucius inspected his hair and with one glance into the mirror he dropped it and the thing cracked.

"Seven years bad luck sir!"

"Shit."

"What is it sir?" Zenny asked. She knew exactly what it was, but this was wonderful.

Lucius fingered his silky tresses and stared straight ahead, absolutely horrified. This hadn't happened since the summer of '79. Armageddon was coming early.

"MY ROOTS ARE SHOWING!"


	6. 8

**A/N: I'm so incredibly sorry that I couldn't update! No more excuses, it was because I was lazy or that I was at camp! Sorry!**

**Disclaimer: You should be glad I don't own it.**

_**#8**_

Lucius wouldn't get over this for years. In fact, Zenny wouldn't either. The last stunt was terribly cruel and horribly low, but Zenny anticipated her next trick—one which would have him shedding tears and her laughing hysterically.

* * *

"I can't believe it…I simply can't believe that my—my roots have shown…It's simply impossible…I can't comprehend…anything," Lucius mumbled to himself.

So far, all Lucius could do day in and day out was sit in his study, huddled in a corner, and mumble to himself. He was even building a fort of books around himself day by day so that he could sulk in private. The house elves were beginning to miss their old master—mostly because they had to do a lot to get food through the mass of books that served as Not-So-Blondie's castle—but even so, they missed him…kind of.

"You'd think you'd get used to not being able to comprehend most things," Zenny mocked.

Zenny, being the House Elf from Hell that she was, sat at the foot of the castle and made fun of the things that Lucius said—not that Lucius could hear most of the things she said, he was stuck in his own little world of cultivating mushrooms in damp corners. And he would recall strange events of his life. Even when sulking, Lucius managed to be conceited.

"I didn't like Uncle Alfred's old hair cut. The railings are made of mahogany. My pacifier was cute. My teeth were perfect. My room was in Witch Weekly for being the most royal looking toddler's bedroom."

One day Narcissa came. She made everything better.

"Dearest, you're going to have to buck up and face the world! You are Malfoy and therefore you should stop sulking and doing filthy Mud-blood things like—ARE YOU CULTIVATING MUSHROOMS!"

Narcissa nearly fainted.

Nearly.

Instead she continued berating her husband.

With books.

"Ma'am I really don't think this is solving anything!" Zenny screamed in the direction of her mistress.

Narcissa was throwing a tantrum in the study aimed towards her husband. For one, she was sick of his absence into Lalaland and his stupid moroseness. Two, he wasn't making any money sitting on his terribly handsome butt, sulking. Three, he was cultivating mushrooms. She couldn't have him growing fungus in her immaculate mansion. That simply wouldn't do. So Narcissa did the only thing she remembered how to do when she was faced with somebody who refused to do something for her. She threw a tantrum. Quite a violent too.

"Lucius get off of your ass and return to your original state as the patriarch of the Malfoy Manor!"

"But…my hair…my adored blonde locks…they're…they're…" Lucius bring himself to say the truth about his beloved hair.

"I don't give a damn!" Narcissa bellowed. Her hair, which was originally in a tight bun, was now strewn all around her head. Her proper, business woman blouse was all askew and her eyeliner was beginning to run. She was an angry woman on a rampage.

"Ma'am, may I suggest dying his hair back to normal," Zenny said in a bored tone. The Malfoy's really weren't the brightest people.

Narcissa made a disgusted look at the house-elf and took out her wand. Lucius, who was peeking out from behind a corner of his tower shook with nervousness. He hadn't heard what Zenny said and thought his wife was going to kill him.

"Lucius get over here so I can fix this stupid mess," Narcissa said impatiently. It was like she was calling a whimpering dog to her heel.

"No! I won't let you! You can't do it to me!" Lucius yelled like a highland warrior. He sprang out of his tower armed with a bundle of mushrooms wrapped in his robes.

"Just hold still! I'll fix this stupid mess—and stop swinging around those bloody mushrooms!" Narcissa was an impatient person and therefore was prepared for a struggle. Though she didn't know why there was a struggle.

"No, no, no! You can't catch me! You can't do it! You will not—" Lucius was suddenly frozen as a Petrificus Totalus hit him in the arse. Lucius shook violently. He was like a Mexican Jumping Bean. He hopped around the room while Narcissa looked on. She was positively seething, but she bottled it up. Now wasn't the time for yelling and screaming. Her husband was a raving lunatic. She'd do something later. Narcissa cast the spell on his hair and stormed out of the room

Lucius on the other hand was still a raving lunatic and thought he was dead. As soon as his wife had placed the spell on his hair he thought it was the killing curse and went into a series of motions of dying once the Petrificus was lifted from him. Once, he was thoroughly satisfied with his death he lay still…thinking he was dead.

_Wow…death feels almost the same as life…that's weird…maybe I'm a ghost…_

Lucius opened one eye and screamed.

Zenny was standing over him grinning like a madman.

_I must be a ghost…then if I'm a ghost…I can walk through walls…_

Lucius was thinking of all the possibilities…he could scare his evil house elf to death…by being a ghost…he was dead, what could he lose now…

Zenny stared at the idiot before her. She knew exactly what he was thinking. The idiot thought he was dead and was going to do some stupid stunt to prove to her that he was a ghost. She saw all the motions of theatrical dying and somehow knew he would do this…being the idiot that he was.

"Oooooh! I'm the ghost of Lucius Malfoy!" Lucius paraded around like a ghost even though he couldn't float—he thought that, as a ghost, he had to mature through the levels of ghosthood.

"I must fetch my caaaaane!" Lucius said in a ghostly, stereotypical voice.

_This is perfect I'll go fetch my ghost cane and by doing so I'll go through a wall and scare the little Hell raising monkey!_ Lucius was so devious. And stupid.

Zenny's mind clicked back into place at the mention of the snake cane…he might not want to get it back now.

Lucius was happy with his new plan and prepared himself. As a ghost he had no need to worry…he'd seen this happen all the time! This was easy for a ghost! And with that Lucius ran through the wall. Yes…ran through the wall.

"Ooooow! That hurt! This ghost thing is weird!" Lucius yelled in pain.

He did run through the wall, but not without lots of plaster and bricks going with him. Malfoy Manor was an incredibly old and ancient pureblood realm—though with that ancient ancestry came some delicate fixtures. One of which was broken by the latest patriarch of the prestigious Malfoy family.

"Master, you're not dead!" Zenny yelled. She ran up and jumped on him in fake glee. She couldn't wait till he saw his "cane."

"Ah, I knew that...I was just kidding," Lucius said slowly. He was pretty damn confused.

"Fetch my cane Zenny," Lucius said as he stared off in the distance.

_Okay so I'm not dead…which means I'm living…I think..._

Zenny came running to Lucius with a large foreign object being dragged behind her.

"Where's my cane?"


End file.
